Mar 24, 2017

Fitness, if it came in a bottle . . .


Edited: Apr 2, 2018

Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity. John F. Kennedy


Dear Members;

If you searched the world over I doubt you'd find a less athletically inclined individual or a more uncoordinated person. Frankly I believe that if I had not supplied sufficiently passable forgeries from my parental units and or family Doctor, my P.E teachers and or school administration would have supplied them for me (after the third ambulance trip to the E.R., they may have feared litigation, but truly they would have been more likely to incur my mothers wrath if I came home dirty, hurt was no problem). Alright, I may have mentioned something along the lines of litigation, but can you really blame me? I was ordered to stand on a basket ball court where suddenly, for no discernible reason that I could see(I was usually reading during these gladiatorial events), upon seeing the maddened hoard of girls stampeding in my direction I attempted to flee only to collide with a very inconveniently placed large metal pole. I woke in the hospital, to a very angry mother, she feared the huge bruise, giant lump and stitches were going to leave a mark, and was quite perturbed that I had been ministered to without the benefit of a Board Certified Plastic Surgeon( Prince Charming only wants perfection). This happened not long after the equally unfortunate incident involving a substitute teacher who forced me to stand way out in the outfield (where all the butterflies were)where I soon became enchanted by the dance of the Monarchs, and that was the last I remember until the next day, when I was informed that my little frolic in the outfield with the pretty butterflies had somehow led to the rupture of my Fallopian tube, and the urgent need for its surgical removal. So, you can see why I may have been just a little bit snarky, the situation was entirely too dangerous, I mean really concussions, stitches, black eyes, and the loss of bits and pieces of my body, to say nothing of the time loss, I still feel I was justified. But frankly I don't think my safety or litigation were uppermost in their minds when it came to placating me. I should explain first, while I had no interest in sports (the whole group think thing has always been a tremendous turnoff for me, and I found it far to reminiscent of tribalism which has, to my mind never been a good thing) it seemed I attracted athletes, don't ask me why, they became irrational when it came to the matter of needing me to actually sit and watch as they did whatever they were doing with what ever kind of ball they were playing with, I felt the time was more productively spent reading , so I read. Well, the problem occurred when during a practice session for a game that I find particularly brutal and proof that we as a people have not evolved much past the time of Gladiatorial games in the ancient Coliseums(over 2000 years ago), I looked up from my book at the sound of screaming, to find the"coach" holding a player by the neck against a wall off the ground emitting not only the most horrific sounds I'd ever heard, but the foulest language I'd ever heard. My first instinct was to run down to the field and rescue the poor kid being brutalized. About half way down the bleachers it occurred to me that the Neanderthal doing the brutalizing may very well have passed all ability to reason, and the Neanderthal being brutalized may not appreciate being rescued by a 90lb girl with more courage than good sense, so I reevaluated my strategy to rescue the young rogue, and headed as fast as my little legs would carry me to the office where there was a phone(no cell phones back then) I was given access to the phone and promptly called the police and reported the incident, after which I marched back out to the field (with a good number of the office staff trailing me, apparently dumbstruck at my audacity) and planted my self in front of the offending Cretan (I was later informed that he was a much sought after and well respected "coach") and told him that the police were on their way, and that he was a child abuser who deserved to be punished. Suffice to say I was not the most popular person in school, but they were all sufficiently assured of my ability to stand up for what was right, to leave me alone and even bore a grudging respect for me, because while I may not be the most coordinated person and I may be small, I am strong, and I will defend you with my life.

After all that your probably thinking that I must have been the most out of shape young person ever. You would have been sorely mistaken, and probably shocked to discover that one of my first jobs was at 'Jack Lalanne's', one of the first national gyms. You see I was quite good at exercising, in fact I enjoyed it, although I was hopelessly uncoordinated, unable to catch a ball (to say nothing of avoiding randomly placed metal poles), was told I could not hear a beat or I had no rhythm ( frankly I hear a beat its just not the same one everyone else hears), I despise of sweat and I shudder at the thought of locker rooms, I was always in very good shape. I loved walking, and because of my unconventional upbringing, hiking and communing with nature came naturally to me.Yoga and Pilates with a healthy dose of isometrics, weight training and my guilty pleasure Belly dancing (for the purposes of safety 'my own', I stay in the back of class and I don't wear any of the fun jingly bells). This routine always kept my waistline at 18 inches, until menopause. I cant really complain about my waist, it is still relatively small About 25 inches, the difficult part is the bum and the arms.

I'll tell you one more funny story that I think you'll enjoy, the memory always makes me smile.

I was a young mother and one day I was upstairs and my son and his friends were in our back yard, they were 7 and 8 years old at the time, and had just returned from a hike behind our home, which was quite hilly and crisscrossed with equestrian trails. I was folding cloths and listening as they poured out their disappointment at not having caught even one lizard or snake, despite have carried all the requisite equipment. Suddenly I heard my son, in a very excited voice announce that "I KNOW WHO CAN CATCH A LIZARD, A SNAKE, EVEN A BEAR, OR MOUNTAIN LION, My Mom" silence. And then "your Mom"

"yea", " the one that wears the ruffle skirts", "yea", Silence again. And Then "MOM". Of course I was ready, in my pink ruffle skirt, and white Kenzo peasant blouse, no shoes, but definitely bows. I was up the hill before they knew what had happened and they stood by gaping as I caught enough reptiles even a few frogs, and a lost baby squirrel for everyone, my son grinning from ear to ear saying "I told you so," I earned the respect of all the little boys in the neighborhood that day and probably shattered a few stereotypes.

Now, after a decade of aging ungracefully, I am ready to embrace the hard work I presume it will take to achieve that 'Madonna butt' I covet ( we're the same age). So I will be on the look out for all the best new treads and of course the old stand by's. Hopefully we'll find someone soon to monitor and coach us through this new life stage (post menopausal) and see us through to the other side , where we can wear all that beautiful Lingerie,without fear of scaring anybody who should happen to witness our naughty little fetish. I'm ready to endure the pain, are you?


Yours as always,


" No thief, however skillful, can rob one of knowledge, and that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure to acquire

L. Frank Baum

'Goodnight Sweet Prince, and flight of angels sing thee to thy rest.'

Horatio, Hamlet,  William Shakespeare

"Dress Shabbily and they remember the Dress;

Dress Impeccably and they remember the Woman."

Coco Chanel

Thinking Out Loud - David Garrett
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